Norwegians’ Views on European Neighbours

Danes are jovial, plump and eat red hot dogs. Germans are efficient and travel around in motor homes packed with beer and hermetic food, while the Finns are sauna-sitting by one of their 60.000 lakes – around the clock – in absolute silence. Are Norwegians’ stereotypical views on our closest European neighbors wrong , or do they reflect reality?

 

Swedes

Abba pickled herring

Swedes eat almost exclusively pickled herring

Swedes live in red wooden houses, always with the blue and yellow flag hoisted outside. They eat endless variations of pickled herring while they listen to dance band music or ABBA – and Swedes that do not live in their home country are working in Norwegian hotels and bars.

Norwegians are looking at Swedes as systematic and little spontaneous. We are annoyed that they do not understand any Norwegian, while we understand Swedish perfectly.

Danes

Red Sausages

 The Danes’ favorite food

 The Danes spend most of the day (except the two hours they actually work) at vintage inns. They are eating red hot dogs and drinking beer straight from brown bottles. A typical Dane is jovial, plump and love Norwegians. Because of low prices and general Danish hospitality, 50% of us visit Denmark during summer holidays.

The Danish language is completely incomprehensible, but we are convinced that they love us. However – rumors tell that they have got their own name for Norwegians; “Mountain monkeys”.

Finns

Finish sauna

Most Finns spend their whole life here

Norwegians know nothing about Finland. This may be because the language is more closely related to Mongolian than Germanic. Finns are introvert and wary of strangers, with tall beautiful women and less-attractive, skeptical men.

They spend all their time in saunas, located by a lake drinking home brewed “Vodka”. When they get overheated, they throw themselves into frozen lakes while swearing in Finnish. (The only word Norwegians understand is the profanity “Perkele”)

 

Icelanders

Cod fishing

Icelandic men are always going cod fishing

Norwegians love Iceland and the Icelanders, even though almost no one has been there or know anyone from the windswept rock in the middle of the North Atlantic Ocean. We regard the natives as Norwegian because we colonized the saga island approximately 1400 years ago. The language sounds very Norwegian, but we have difficulties understanding it.

Icelandic men are always going cod fishing (of course wearing typical Icelandic knitted sweaters), while the women are governing the country.

Germans

German motor home

Where Germans live and stay while visiting Norway

We love and hate the Germans: Love them because they think Norway is the most beautiful country in the world, and hate them because they do not spend any money when coming here on holiday. They are efficient people, traveling in motor homes packed with beer, schnapps and hermetic food – and when they return, they have filled up the freezers with illegally caught fish.

German men have large stomachs, while women always are sitting in 80s folding camping chairs.

Englishmen

English pub

Where Norwegian men spend most of their time visiting U.K.

Norwegians love English football which is the main reason why we love Englishmen: They actually know how to play soccer. Norwegian women go to London for shopping, while the men are visiting local pubs watching soccer and having a few pints.

Englishmen are small, pale – or have got serious sunburn, and have an ironic sense of humor.

French

French wine

Frenchmen love wine and gourmet food

As a Norwegian you love Paris, but can not stand the French. They are culinarian snobs who always drink prestigious wine. Some Frenchmen are traveling to Norway in their motor homes, but luckily they do not stay for long.

Because of Gerard Depardieu, we believe that many French people have big noses.

Belgians and Dutch

canal skating netherland

All Dutch own at least one pair of skates

For a Norwegian, Belgium and the Netherlands are about the same country: A flat area the size of a postage stamp located somewhere between France and Germany.

Dutch people are fond of singing groups, biking and skating. They smoke marijuana daily and are surrounded by thousands of prostitutes.

Belgians however, we know absolutely nothing about…

Poles

Green mascara

Polish women are colorful

Only Norwegians who are married to Polish women have actually been to Poland, while almost all Poles have moved to Norway as construction workers.

We recognize Poles on the street because they wear clothes from the 80s and because the women always wear high heels and use too much green mascara.

Text by: Thor Lanesskog, ThorNews

Illustrating photos by: asouthernbellein.com/(ABBA pickled herring), vg.no (Danish red sausages), kivirannanlomamokit.fi (Finish sauna), regjeringen.no (Cod fishing), vg.no (German motor home), akam.no (English pub), perine.org (French wine), Yoran Staas (Canal skating), makeupbychelsea0106.blogspot.no/ (Green mascara)

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Categories: Culture, Quirky

10 replies

  1. Very amusing! What do Norwegians think about themselves and their place in the world?

    • Norwegians

      Norwegians see themselves as “the Chosen People” who live at the very top of Europe. We see no economic crisis because we are living in a huge oil well, and there are plenty of fish in the sea.

      We are not a member of the EU, because we can afford it, – and because we have a clear conscience: Almost 1% of the Norwegian state budget goes to poor developing nations.

      Norway is so rich that we have bought half of Spain and made into a holiday camp for senior citizens, shopping centres in London and Paris, and we finance Palestine and the whole UN system.

      Norwegians love Norwegian frozen pizza, Norwegian polar explorers and American movies. U.S. is the only country in the world we look up to.

      See also: “What is a Norwegian? (Told by a Norwegian)” https://thornews.com/2012/07/21/what-is-a-norwegian-told-by-a-norwegian/

  2. What about Canadians!?
    I know they’re not European. But you must have some views. 🙂

    • Canadians

      Canadians live in a vast, impassable country north of the USA, and most people are living in self-made log cabins with moose, wolves, grizzly bears and wild salmon as neighbors. Main income comes from trapping, fishing and collecting maple syrup. About half of the population have Scandinavian ancestors, which is the reason why Norwegians like Canada.

      The inhabitants speak English or French, and many speak Indian tribal dialects. The police wear red jackets with brass buttons and beige hats, and they use horses instead of motorized vehicles.

      Queen Elizabeth is head of state and the prime minister is a skilled harpist.

  3. That’s generally right. Although some of it applies to Alaska.
    I married a Dane, and my maternal grandfather was Norwegian. I took after my Irish grandfather though. I think he had some Spanish in him.
    Canadians are weather fanatics. The snow, Ice Storms or humidity are so high they can kill you. So we always consult the weather map before going out, and keep an eye on the sky.
    I’ve had many a terrifying adventure driving on icy or snowy roads in the winter. We call it, “white knuckle driving.”
    Most Canadians live in big cities these days and escape like rats from a sinking ship every weekend to go to the cottage. Or beach, if they don’t have a cottage. Or ski hill if it’s winter.
    My husband and I live on a farm in the heart of the Thousand Islands area. Lots of rivers and lakes. In the midst of beef and dairy farms. We have a few horses who are retired from riding. We spend the warm weather walking our dogs, and the snow time cross country skiing with our dogs.
    When not doing all the things that keep our household functioning, I write. Mostly scifi and fantasy.
    All this may sound easy, but it’s not.
    To sum up, in the words of an anonymous Scot, ” It’s a grand life if you don’t weaken.”

  4. I loved this article. You are such a gifted writer….very funny stuff. Tusen takk!

  5. Hilarious.

  6. Scottish people?
    This is a very witty article 🙂

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